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Tehran Two-step

2006-08-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

By: A.C #1

The left in America and Europe often accuse this country of perpetrating ludicrously convoluted conspiracies upon the poor and dark skinned peoples of Mother Earth. These theories, such as President Bush knowing in advance about the attacks of September 11^th or that the Israeli government told Jewish workers not to go to work on that day, are fool's gold for the incensed retread hippie masses that increasingly populate the mainstream of the Democratic Party and their bed-wetter comrades in Europa. Regardless of logic and reason the U.S will always be assumed to have orchestrated situations like the current crises in the Middle East. No matter what America does it will carry the moronic beliefs of the fools on the left and the equally unstable perceptions of the Arab street around its neck like an anchor.

Unfortunately America is also seen by much of the world as a dopey good-natured giant, which will ultimately take the constant barrage of insults with an appreciative smile. Well I say we start living up to our reputation. Why shouldn’t we? We’re going to catch flack anyway, so let's act the way we are accused of and use all means at our disposal to alter the Israeli – Lebanese crises to our own malicious benefit.

· Step One – Divide and Conquer.

Iran sees itself as establishing a Muslim superpower that would encompass Arab and Persian countries under the rule of the Supreme Islamic Council. Sunni countries like Egypt, Jordan, and Saudi Arabia are already wary of Iran’s imperialistic goals. We should use this to our advantage. The C.I.A. should step up activities in all three countries. Plant bombs near Sunni holy sites with the sole purpose of being found and traced to Iran. Cyber attacks against Saudi financial institutions or missile attacks against cargo ships in the straight of Hormuz would also be effective. The trick is to use the frequency of the attacks to override instinctual Anti-Israel and Anti-American bias.

· Step Two – Blame Israel.

This step is difficult but is necessary to provide cover by seeming to be “even handed” by signing onto one of those wretched anti-Israel resolutions the United Nations regularly trots out. The resolution should be non-binding but it must condemn Israel for...whatever.

The fools in the MSM and the BBC will pronounce this as a cataclysmic shift in U.S - Israeli relations while it will really just be a distraction as we prepare step three.

· Step Three – Ayatollah Assahollah.

Covertly insert a Spec Ops team into Iran with a nuclear bomb. This bomb should then be detonated in Iran's Eastern desert. In the confusion the Iranian government will be slow to respond. Since the bomb will go off in an unpopulated region it will be widely assumed to be an Iranian nuclear test. By locating it in the East this will severely agitate the Pakistanis, who will take it as a serious provocation. Thusly it will strengthen the regime of Pakistani President Pervez Musharaff. It will also plant the image of a mushroom cloud over Moscow in the mind of Vladimir Putin.

· Step Four – Blood for Oil.

Convincing the Saudis to not go nuclear is first. Convincing them to issue a religious edict or Fatwa Fatwa Muhammad Jihad against the Iranians is second. A declaration from the Saudis condemning Iran would make military action by a U.S led coalition attractive to many worried Arabs. By promising to fairly divide Iran’s oil reserves amongst chief coalition allies nations like China, India, and Russia would get them to act out of self-interest and aid in the fight, which would mean a swift defeat of the Mullahs and enough residual troops to stifle any insurgency.

Why I haven't been posting Pt.2

2006-06-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Man I 've been writing up a storm lately over at The Dick List, and Charlie asked me to be the executive editor of ass aficionado. Considering this blog was really set up for me to fuck around in html I really have been letting it slide. I guess really I've just been to busy to get the violent fits of rage necessary to post to this particular site.

Why I haven't been posting

2006-05-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Shit I contribute to three blogs gimme a break.

Why you shouldn't care about your front lawn

2006-05-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Well summers here and you know what that means: insects, sunburn, skin cancer, huge increase in the crime rate oh the joy. All that stuff bothers me but what sucks most about the hell that is a humid New York summer is my fucking lawn. Actually its lawns, we're lucky enough to have two homes across from each other in my neighborhood and for some reason I have to tend for both.

Now I hate to make this just another tedious "this is my life" blog so I'll end my complaints and apply broader social commentary to my bitching.

The desire to have a nice front lawn is not an ingrained human trait. We aren't spit out of our mothers wombs with the desire to buy turf builder. Yet in the burbs there is pressure to have the best kept lawn. Why? Because humans respond quickly and predictably to pressure. If through advertising a corporation instills a feeling of impotence in someone then that someone will act to restore a feeling of being complete. You aren't man enough to maintain your lawn no wonder the old ball and chain is cheating on you. This is really just a case of a manufactured void for your money to fill in. The most cost effective way of dealing with your lawn is to pave it over. What's worse is people have become so jaded by suburban life that cutting their own lawn is out of the question they would much rather have another Xanax or Big Mac and watch some illegal aliens do the work for them so they out-source their own voids for others to fill gaining some vicarious thrill I suppose.

Now I know that I:

Read too much into things
Am prone to fits of blinding rage

But cutting the lawn isn't really the problem its the dirty looks from my idiot neighbors if I let it slide for a couple weeks. What people really need, and what this blogs aims to provide, is perspective.

New Blog in The Dick List family

2006-05-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Charley Sheen aka Number 3 was insanely jealous over my side project so not to be outdone he went off and started his own. I don't give Charley much credit but I think he really has got something with this.

Arthurmag.com is a bitch.

2006-05-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Get a load of this horseshit.

I happen to like Godsmack. They are loud and aggressive just like me. The lead singer sat down with this punk-bitch and gets ambushed with this anti-military rhetoric. What in the previous 5000+ years of human history has convinced this punk-bitch that we have somehow moved beyond the need to have a military. For him to attack the lead singer of a rock band for supporting the United States Military demonstrates how far liberals have deviated from any sembalance of reality. Yes War is hell. In War there is unspeakable suffering, but there are also great acts of humanity and courage. To say Arthur lives in a Fantasy world would be an insult to all the gnomes, and elves out there. He has evolved beyond such constraints and exists in a perpetual state of psychedelic mushroom dementia.

Lazy Sunday Post

2006-05-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

I never mind when a woman leaves me, they always look better on the way out.

Why you shouldn't care that Pamela Rogers had sex with one of her students

2006-05-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Pamela Rogers is hot. She is a teacher. She had sex with one of her students. Give her a medal.

All kidding aside who cares, I don't know why she had sex with the kid obviously he is a minor so there are no pictures of him available, but the kid must be swinging. Now the naysayers who deride this womans actions spout clinical crap about how the child was too young to be able to deal emotionally with the repercussions of sexual activity and that she prayed on the closeness of the teacher/student relationship. I have even seen male talking head morons complain with a straight face about the double standard concerning how male teachers are treated by the court system when they have sex with a student. Well here is the difference: when men have sex it involves penetration. If the female is unprepared for the throbbing male member it can be, even for a full grown women, a painful experience. Men are easy. I hate to break it to you ladies but a man can rub himself up against a wall and get the same end result as a three hour tantric sex marathon.

The only down side for the minor that I can see is the fact that this bitch was:

Extremely hot
Extremely horny

This gives him a potentially off kilter view of what to expect from women later in life. Honestly look at her, I hate to say but for this poor lad there is nowhere to go but down.

It is nice that people wish to apply equality to all things, usually for their own selfish reasons, but all things are not equal, and all situations are not the same. If you can't see the difference between this woman having sex with a teenage boy, and a man having his way with a teen girl you have been blinded by your own bullshit.

The Lazy Sunday Post

2006-05-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

To paraphrase Al Pacino in the movie "Heat." There is just something about a woman's ass that brings out the animal in me.

Why you shouldn't care about the NFL Draft

2006-04-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

The NFL Draft has come and gone all 500 hours of coverage have finally wound down. What does this mean? Well not much unless you:

Devote more than 9 hours a day considering which running back you should start on your fantasy football team taking into account the weather conditions at field level.
Think that face painting is an artform.
Have lost all interest in life. Have realized that from here on its all downhill. You know your wife is cheating on you but don't care because you are cheating on her. The kids are getting into fights at school and your daughter has been trading b.j's for i-pod faceplates. You have thought about suicide but realized you don't have the guts so instead you ply youself with booze and maybe a little coke on occasion as long as the boss doesn't find out. Look at yourself in the mirror and see that the head of hair you had in High School is in retreat so out of fear you try to overcompensate in the parts of your life that still make relative sense. You aren't just a regular at Applebees you are in the "Big Eaters Club," You play $200 dollars a week in the lottery, you aren't just a Football fan you are a Superfan.

Why you should care about Rottypup

2006-04-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Back in the early days of The Dick List, Rottweiler Puppy was one of the first people to appreciate our particular brand of insanity. The pup has been laid up for a while so here is a link from his archives. Its a really good one pretty much reflects why we like him.

Why you shouldn't care about Africa

2006-04-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

I am a decidely heartless person. I am unfeeling and uncaring about all things (except my cat of course but thats just because she is the cutest little snuggly... anyway) Being so cold allows me a certain clarity uncommon among those with big, squishy hearts. Africa is horror show that would give Steven King skidmarks. In Uganda the Lords Resistence Army led by Joseph Kony has beseiged the country with quite an unholy quest for power, standing out amongst "rebel" groups as probably the worst and most bloody group of murderers on the planet. (aside from BushisHitler of course) In Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe seizes farm land from White land owners who actually know how to properly grow food and wonders why his people starve, oh actually he probably doesn't since he has been known to use food shortfalls as a way of punishing his enemies, and if you believe the U.N practically everyone in Africa either has A.I.D.S or will.There is also the famine, pestilence, unending Civil War you know the drill.

What does this all add up to? Aside from dickheads like George Clooney making fools of themselves by flying to godforsaken deathholes like Darfur and asking questions of the poor miserable, bastards that inhabit the refuge camps and then getting that tilted head look that a puppy has when its trying to understand how you can make puppy-chow appear out of thin air as the people recall their unbearable horror stories. Haven't those people suffered enough.

Africa has received an estimated $300,000,000,000 dollars in aid since the 1960's and what has changed?Pretty much nothing. Actually the continent has gotten worse but people like Bill and Melinda Gates still drop major coin on shit like mosqutio nets for Zambia, and Celebretards like Bono and Brangelina make teary eyed pleas aimed at massaging their gas giant sized egos at the expense of our wallets. What will it take for people to realize Africa is a problem that CANNOT be solved. There is no amount of money that is a magic bullet for that Continent. Maybe if we in the west stopped treating Afria like a charity case the people would start to work out their own problems without our moron celebs help.

Read the dick list

Why you shouldn't care about "Global Warming"

2006-04-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Here's the short answer: You, your family, your pets, will all be dead by the time "Global Warming" has any real effect. Every hyperactive moron screeching about the crisis will quietly acknowledge that it will be over 100 years before the polar ice-caps melting even remotely changes the ocean levels.They never mention that they and you will be dead within that 100 years. (You would think asshole liberals would be happy that maybe the melting ice-caps could help solve the coming Global Water shortage haven't heard about that one? You will)

Here's the long answer explained by Michael Fumento who wrote this in the NY Post a few months back.

Basically all "Global Warming" amounts to is hype. Media types with clear heads because they get paid millions to sit on their asses, or read off of teleprompters all day love to manufacture gloom and doom. Gloomy predictions of whats to come help glue the vapid amongst us to their lazy-boys which means they absorb the bombardment of erectile difunction drugs and tampon ads which are prevalent during television news programs. I don't give a shit about "Global Warming" why do I feel this way? Though I admire the progress that has been made by mankind in terms of science and manufacturing I also doubt that as powerful as we may have become that we hold final judgement over the machinations of the Earth. Maybe it is getting hotter because the Earth just heats up and cools down in the course of its twirling through the void of space. The furthest back that accurate temperature readings go is only about 200 years, how can we proclaim to know the Earth so well when the info we have is less than a mouse fart in terms of its history?

Read the dick list

Why you shouldn't care about "TOMKAT"

2006-04-22T15:02:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

Does this really require explanation? How can people care so much about this crap? Don't housefrau's have anything better to do? Maybe raise their children not to chew oxycontin, and sell their virginity on myspace.

Read the dick list

Why you shouldn't care if someone calls you a "Homophobe"

2006-04-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

A.C #1

For Liberals words are weapons. Your average Liberal is what we like to call a “Panty-Waste.” A “Panty-Waste” is someone who is to weak to actually exert themselves physically so they sit around and bitch and moan about the rainforest or “Globalization.”

Since they are incapable of even threatening physical force they use words for intimidation. One of those words is Homophobe.

To liberals a homophobe is someone who hates gays because they are actually gay but cannot admit it to themselves. Because liberal gay activists consider all people to be self-hating gays all straight people are homophobes. Oh except Black people of course.

When Eminem released his album “The Marshal Mathers LP” he was accused by many in the Mainstream Press and by GLAAD of being a Homophobe because of its lyrics.

However when fellow rapper 50 cent who said this in Playboy magazine: “I ain’t into faggots” he continued “I don’t like gay people around me, because I’m not comfortable with what their thoughts are.” What did GLAAD have to say? Nothing. Why because GLAAD is full of liberal panty-wastes who live in fear. In the torrent of anti-gay lyrics that is unleashed by rap music why is GLAAD silent about all of it except when a White guy is involved?

From Oscar winning Three Six Mafia:

“I have to pay attention to everything that I say
cuz these punk ass faggots and bitches take this shit
the wrong way.”

From my Dog DMX:

“…last I heard ya niggas was havin’ sex with the same sex,
I show no love for homo thugs, empty out reload and throw mo
slugs. How ya gonna explain fuckin’ a man even if we squash
the beef I ain’t touchin’ ya hand. I don’t fuck with chumps fo
those who been ta jail that’s the nigga with the kool-aid on his
lips and pumps.”

That’s just the tip of a very large iceberg. Why shouldn’t you care if someone calls you a Homophobe? Simple, because chances are the person is a hypocrite, who only applies the term when they feel safe about who they are slandering and hypocrites should always be ignored.

Read the dick list

What is really important?

2006-04-16T17:12:00.001-07:00

By A.C #1

Its something everyone needs to ask themselves, in this Paris Hilton world what matters to you? My answer is pretty simple: Nothing. That's about sums it up I really don't care about shit. Sad commentary or bullshit cynism? I'm too busy pretending not to care to examine either of those possiblilities let alone apply them to myself. Confused? Me too.

This blog is all about obsenity so fuck off. Oh yeah its also about hot Brazilian ass.

Why you shouldn't care about Canada

2006-04-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

The Socialist paradise to the north sits atop us as judge, criticizing our every breath with staggering, stalkerish detail. This obsession with America permeates every part of Canadian “life.” One of most popular shows in Canada right now is called “the newsroom.” It is an equally horrendous rip-off of that pathetic British show “the office.”(I don’t know what language those people were speaking, but it wasn’t English)This show is set in a network newsroom hence the title.

I watched it the other day because all the characters had funny Canadian accents. (You know it kind of sounds like Yogi Bear with Down syndrome) As I watched I was treated to some Al-jazzera style hatred of America. There were numerous discussions of the evil Iraq War (Apparently toppling a Dictator, and securing the free flow of oil is a bad thing) and such pearls as “Saddam Hussein greeted to glorious return in Baghdad.” I shit you not. So what does this small glimpse into the Canadian psyche show us? Let me take a deep breath, okay here goes.

Canada’s impotence on the world stage has created a people whose only justification for existence is The United States. The Iraq War, or War against islamic-fascism doesn’t really involve Canadians because they are incapable of marshalling any effort to affect its outcome in any way. They believe that by steering clear of any involvement in the War they will be spared from Al-Qaeda terror attacks, this is not correct, they will be spared because they are of no consequence, they will be spared because their existence is irrelevant. Usama bin Laden and his ilk have no problem wasting human life (Especially if it’s not their own life) but bombing Canada would be a waste beyond even their perverse logic. Terrorists don’t bomb empty buses. Canada is an empty country. It is devoid of unique culture or people; they look American, but have neither the pride of country or belief in something greater than themselves that we posses.

Canadians never stood up, and took their country from the English, as American’s did. We kicked England the fuck out; they plodded along until the British forgot they existed. Our military, and economic might has turned Canada into a nation of spoiled children masquerading as adults yet incapable of facing adversity. They have been castrated by political correctness, becoming over dependant wards of the state in love with their entitlements.

We cannot expect any support from Canada in this War, because it would require an acknowledgement on their part that the actions of the terrorists are wrong, they are incapable of making such a judgment, except against the United States. Canadians view themselves as enlightened, and us as a raging barbarian horde. This is a view shared by much of Western Europe. Canada also has another thing in common with W. Europe, everything they have they owe to America.

Canada’s absolute dependence on The United States has fostered a deep resentment within the Canadian government, and a massive inferiority complex among its citizens. This combination presents the perfect environment for Anti-Americanism to blossom. Rather than face their own flaws, Canadian’s convert their self-loathing into hatred of America whom they blame for all the world’s ills (strikingly similar to the worldview of Muslim terrorists) While this is largely their problem, perhaps we Americans do share some of the responsibility for the poor state of relations with our neighbors in the frozen North.

One of their biggest complaints is that while they dwell on us like an obsessed schoolgirl, we really don’t try to know anything about them (Canadians actually refer to our shared border as “the longest one way mirror in the world”) So I have done a bit of research, and gathered some little known facts about Canada to share with my barbarian brothers (Although all facts about Canada can be considered little known).

Canada is a nation of roughly 32,000,000 people, the large majority of which live within a hundred miles of the border with America. The capital of Canada is Toronto, which in Sioux means “east end of a west bound moose.” Toronto is covered by 300ft of snow for most of the year forcing residents to live in igloos and resort to cannibalism if they run out of beaver to eat.

Speaking of food, the national dish of Canada is called “Glumpenfruedal” it consists of a raw fish heads on top of a pumpkin pie. There is also a wacky Canadian law that requires Canadians to eat 40-50 slices of Canadian bacon a day, combine that with the 8 week wait to see a cardiologist, (Socialism yeah!) and you see why Canada averages 67,840 heart attacks a day, highest per capita in the world.

An astonishing 6% of Canadians are non-white. This astonishing amount of diversity helps to make Canada the most progressive Western country around. Recently Canada outlawed heterosexual marriage, making gay marriage the law of the land. Richard and Ben Lichman recently became the first couple to enjoy this new freedom, Ben has just given birth to a brown baby boy named “stinky” a proud new Canadian citizen. Canada is also more inclusive in it’s electoral process. In fact the last 3 Prime Ministers were a lumberjack, a toddler, and the current P.M, a Moose. However recent political strife has affected the moose government, and many see a new star rising in this Mario Lemieux bobble-head.

Militarily, Canada just recently named a new Defense minister, also a moose,leading Many to accuse the moose government of cronyism, he has promised to increase spending from 1.1% of total Gross Domestic Product, to a whopping 1.18% of G.D.P within the next decade. “We hope to surpass Mauritania’s military might in the coming years,” he boldly stated at his last press conference. Mauritania spends 1.9% of it’s G.D.P on Defense, although no one argues Canada’s 62,000 total troops are better smelling than those of the African nation. (The United States spends 4% of its $12,000,000,000 economy on our military)

Recently the Canadian Broadcast Corporation (C.B.C) held a national vote to determine the 10 greatest Canadians in history.

10.Wayne Gretzky
9.Alexander Graham Bell
8. Sir John McDonald
7. Don Cherry
6. Lester. B Pearson
5. David Suzuki
4. Sir Frederick Bunting
3. Pierre Truduex
2. Tommy Fox
1. Tommy Douglas

Associate Contributor #1 list of 10 Greatest Canadians

10. William Shatner

9. That guy from Rush

Well I could only come up with two, but you get the picture. A truly great list, for a truly great country.